Caracas Chronicles

Originally published on December 10, 2016 

For all of you who were dreaming of hallacas without Maduro, Feliz Chavidad! This is what you get.

1. Bolívar Fuerte Ornaments

So the government just added a bunch of zeroes to those same Bolivar bills that erased them a while ago. Ok, that’s not exactly correct. But still… If you’re lucky enough to have some useless Bolívar Fuertes lying around, put them to good use.

2. The Death of the Amigo Secreto (Secret Santa)

¿Qué pasó con el amigo secreto de este año?

What happened with this year’s Secret Santa? Well, the economic maelstrom ate him up and defecated him somewhere near Parque Caiza.

You know you hate him anyway. He won’t be missed. Unless there’s a creative little turd at work who’ll suggest “let’s make our own presents,” and then you’ll have to take him out yourself.

3. Fireworks

Venezuelans traditionally celebrate the birth of the savior by traumatizing everyone’s dog with an insanely scary barrage of fireworks (actually, a mixture of insanely scary fireworks and, well, plomo parejo). Christmas eve in Caracas has been known to give people PTSD.

If the economy doesn’t allow you to buy cohetones, and you are not a pran, there are a few options to solve your fireworks conundrum.

One, you can play the video above as loud as you can. The celebration of El Conejo’s death sounds just like your criollo X-Mas.

Or two, kidnap that little turd who suggested you make your own Secret Santa gifts, and drop him naked at night in… well, anywhere in Caracas, and watch the magic happen. It’ll be like Disney, or Aleppo.

4. Nativity scene

The Heavenly Father overlooks your pesebre, since he is the father, the son, the holy spirit, the star, Baby Jesus, Mary, Joseph, los pastorcitos, the ass, and the freakin’ cow. (He’s not the stack of hay, though: that role is Tomás Guanipa’s).

As everyone knows, the Virgin had to endure the long trip down to Bethlehem in her pregnant state but couldn’t find a room at the inn because SUNDDE had forced them to cut their prices by 30% and they’re now booked solid through August with German sex tourists paying $4 a night (alabado sea DolarToday…).

The three wise men — Lionel, Martín and José Luis — couldn’t find any Frankincense or Myrrh (no hay). They managed to bachaqueate some Harina PAN and a few diapers, but a Guardia Nacional confiscated them at the alcabala just outside Canaan.

5. Office Christmas Party

What? You still have an office to go to? Oh, so you must be that guy. The one who stayed, and wasn’t fired, or didn’t quit to stand in line for food, or was killed, or put in jail…

En fin, have fun.

6. Vegan Hallacas

Don’t worry if you can’t find Harina Pan, pork, chicken, lard, olives, and whatever else goes in your mother’s secret recipe, Vegan Hallacas are the trendiest thing these days.

Start with a handful of those raisins everybody loves and wrap them in plantain leaves. Ta-da! Who needs Scannone?

7. Parranda (Christmas Carols)

I bet many of you never really paid attention to the lyrics of this beloved Venezuelan Christmas Carol, but in today’s context they’re pretty freakin’ scary. It surely sounds like a conversation you would have with the good folks of the OLP (Operación de Liberación del Pueblo) when they knock on your door before sending you to hell.

8. Arbolito

Got your Christmas Tree? Not yet? Too expensive? They ran out? The National Guard confiscated them in La Guaira?

Screw Canadian evergreens, have a #TropicalMierda Christmas. Decorate your own palm tree (or whatever plant you consider worthy) and share it with the hashtag #CaracasChronShitXMas

9. San Nicolás Devaluado

This year Santa will not be bringing coal to bad kids, tampoco hay.

But don’t worry, the Fat Man in Red (a.k.a., El Gordo Comunista) will solve your problem. You better watch out, you better not cry, and I’m telling you why…San Nicolás has a place in El Helicoide just for the naughty children.

Hey, at least Ricardo Sánchez still believes!

10. Leftovers from Christmas Eve

This is a scene you can expect to see on December 25th -and any other day, actually. Retallones? Anyone?