Caracas Chronicles

Illustration by Adriana Moreno

Best action sequence

Venezuelan politics is not just BS, promises, and BS promises. Sometimes we get some good old fashioned Leslie Nielsen style action sequences.

Here are the nominees:

• Diputados Hector Rodríguez vs. Rafael Guzmán
• MUD Sec Gen. Chuo vs. los Colectivos
• Our lovely Foreign Minister Delcy Eloina vs. MERCOSUR
• Maduro vs. Villa Rosa

And the Winner is:

El Pueblo de #VillaRosa en Margarita sin miedo! A cacerolazo limpio corrió a Maduro! #RevocatorioYA pic.twitter.com/N6rzUNZA8L

— Henrique Capriles R. (@hcapriles) September 3, 2016

Maduro vs Villa Rosa

Best Conspiranoic theory of the Year

Conspiranoia is an essential element of 21st century Cuckoo Socialism.

Here are the nominees:

• Bs. 100 bill extraction by the US Department of Treasury to Europe
• Paramilitary camps near Miraflores on September 1st
• Miguel Salazar’s “Chávez was murdered by Naomi Campbell & Sean Penn”
• Julio Coco and George Bush Padre’s New World Order

And the Winner is:

Miguel Salazar’s “Chávez was murdered by Naomi Campbell & Sean Penn”

Public Policy of the year

No one really remembers what the hell a “public policy” is, but here’s an attempt at nominating four strange events that may have something to do with the so called concept of “public policy:”

• The two-day work week
• Announcing the removal of all Bs.100 bills from circulation within 72 hours.
• La Hora de la Salsa 
• The —Comité Local de Abastecimiento y Producción— CLAPs

And the Winner is:

La Hora de la Salsa

Best Communist moment

How does one get ultimate I’m-living-in-communism bragging rights? It may have something to do with the systemic collapse of institutions down to  their most basic functions, or the shameless spiral of corruption, or insane leader-worshiping, or complete loss of priorities and humanity and dignity…

These are the nominees for most relevant moment that made us feel that we’re living under true communist rule:

• Fidel’s hearse breaks down (not in Venezuela, technically, pero de corazón sí)
• Feliz Chavidad
• GNB apprehends boy who stole five pumpkins
• Superintendent Contreras steals 3.8 million toys for the government

And the Winner is:

GNB apprehends boy who stole five pumpkins

Best Juan de Foc? moment

(Because “WTF?” is just too damn first world for us)

Here are the nominees:

• Chávez’s walking hologram projected over Panteón Nacional
• MUD’s BDSM fixation on dialogue
• Vente’s kinky advert
• Maduro’s conga line with the Prime Minister of Trinidad & Tobago

And the Winner is:

Maduro’s conga line with the Prime Minister of Trinidad & Tobago

Plank Face of the Year award

Plank facing, caraetablismo, understood as the art of going about your business treating people like pendejos without giving two fucks, has become a national sport by now. Everybody practices it.

Here are the nominees:

• Delcy Rodriguez before the OAS: “We import enough food to feed three countries.” 
• Government apprehends physician who was receiving medicine donations for hospitals.
• Once again, Diputado Héctor Rodríguez: “Si el petróleo se dispara, todo se resuelve en tres meses” 
• Freddy Guevara catches Cubone (a Pokémon) in the AN

And the Winner is:

Government apprehends physician who was receiving medicine donations for hospitals

Recule of the year

Retracing your steps to take back something you did or said could be considered a key quality of a strong leader. Venezuela is like a constant episode of El Chavo in permanent chispoteo.

Here are the nominees:

• Maduro reverts “Chávez time” (thank God)
• Bs. 100 billls will be valid until January 2nd until January 20th.
• Henry Ramos Allup: “El 3 de noviembre vamos a Miraflores a entregarle carta de despido a Maduro, cuando la AN lo destituya por abandono del cargo!!” 
• Capriles and Ocariz: “Dejar la protesta fue un error” 

And the Winner is:

Fuck you Capriles and Ocariz. [signed, Emi.]

We-were-Many-and-Then-the-Grandmother-Gave-Birth Moment of the Year

It has been established that there is no depth that Venezuela cannot reach. But every once in a while, there is that moment where you just let your jaw drop one more time and say “hot dang, the only thing that hasn’t happened yet is a shower of excrements,” and suddenly, out of nowhere, some turds do start falling from the sky.

Here are the nominees for the Éramos Muchos y Parió la Abuela moment of the year award:

• Another oil refinery explodes
• Guri Dam goes dry, no electricity in Venezuela
• Diphteria outbreak
• SUNDDE forcing stores to sell at 70% discounts

And the Winner is:

Guri goes dry (Click here to see how this was solved)

Venezuelan Politician of the year

Venezuela has a generous quarry of young, forward thinking, smart, and efficient politicians.

Here are the nominees for Venezuelan politician of the year:

• Hector Rodríguez 
• Henry Ramos Allup
• Delsa Solórzano
• José Guerra

And the Winner is:

Omar Vizquel

Biggest Bluff of the Year:

Here are the nominees:

• MUD:”We will begin a transition of power within the first six months of 2016!”
• MUD: “We will pursue a Recall Referendum and an Ammendment and Constitutional Reform and Maduro will Resign!”
• MUD: “We will start a political trial on Maduro and declare him absent from his post!”
• MUD: “Dialogue has yielded results!”

And the Winner for Biggest Bluff of the Year is:

MUD