Caracas Chronicles

So by now you’ve heard that our Foxxy Sports Minister, Alejandra Benítez, along with (not so foxy) Bolívar Governor Francisco Rangel, reeeeeally wanted Ciudad Bolívar to become the next big Green City-cum-Mecca of South American Athleticism-cum-Tourist Destination, to the point where they offered to spend some 1.54-billion-dollars-that-we-don’t-have to build a glorious Panamerican City as an ode to our currency.

This is, yes, the same Ciudad Bolívar which suffers regular blackouts and on-and-off access to safe drinking water, the very same whose roads to which are littered with human remains from crime, located in the state that recently celebrated a return of feminine hygiene products and soap to grocery store aisles like it was the second coming, and which also happens to have a near monopoly on malaria in our country. That Ciudad Bolívar.

Astoundingly, Ciudad Bolívar lost its bid to Lima yesterday, and the Venezuelan government immediately detected foul-play.  The President of the Venezuelan Olympic Committee accused those smarmy, pisco-drunk Peruvians of buying votes and being dishonest. But not before dispatching three different PR delegations to travel through Bolivia, Paraguay, Uruguay, Dominican Republic, Honduras, Nicaragua, Panamá, Aruba and various Caribbean islands to remind them about all the free oil we sent them schmooze them, as well as offering breakfast in a “majestic Gran Sabana-themed suite” to the 41 voting delegations at the Panamerican Sports Organization (ODEPA), up in evil, capitalist Toronto.

The cherry on top – or, I guess, the horribly sour grape on top – is this lovely press release, where Foxy Minister Alejandra calls out our Caribbean island neighbours, who all voted Lima, for their ingratitude, given “Venezuela’s unconditional support to them in various topics.” Which is as close to just outright telling them, “sheesh, you sure turned out to be not worth buying off, didn’t you?” About as thankless and irrational as it gets, isn’t it?

Nothing irrational about this: Alejandra, way to stick it to the man. Those ridiculous voting islands need to learn to take their free oil, shut the fuck up, and do as they’re told. And shame on Lima for buying votes. Lima: shame on you.