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Sh!tstorm Chronicles

Last night, while Maduro was rambling on TV about how he and Russia will stabilize world oil prices, the El Valle river flooded. Before signing off from his weekly TV show, the disaster was brought to the President’s attention, and he went on to criticize the ultraderecha twitter commentators who blamed his administration for the flood. “Imbeciles” he…

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Maduro plays the victim

Venezuelan President Nicolás Maduro shut down a piece of the border with Colombia a few days ago. Not happy with that, he has begun rounding up Colombian citizens and expelling them from the country, no questions asked. Their homes are being torn down. Maduro claims he is the victim of drug smugglers and paramilitaries. However, the…

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State of Emergency Declared in Táchira

Last night, Tarek el Aissami, ex-Minister of Justice and current Governor of Aragua, was in charge of reading part of the State of Emergency Decree which will rule over five municipalities of the Western Venezuela border state of Táchira. The decree which, according to El Aissami, reflects “the supreme importance that Central Government places on Human…

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No country for French fries

“Mommy, can we get some French fries?” asked my daughter as we drove past the massive granite monolith that is the McDonald’s store of La Castellana in Caracas. “There are no French fries in Venezuela, baby” sentenced my wife. My daughter’s eyes dampened like that was the saddest thing she ever heard. And perhaps it was.…

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Everyone and their mothers is implicated in the Hergueta murder

In a move that has surpassed even the most permissive standards of batshit lunacy, the Venezuelan government has published its definitive list of suspects linked to Patriota Cooperante José Pérez Venta’s murder and hacking-up of Liana Hergueta. Along with your everyday presidential assassins (María Corina Machado), arsonist coup mongers (Leopoldo López) and paramilitary fascists (Álvaro Uribe), newcomer…

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Sobremesa Chronicles

“Who comes from Colombia to Venezuela? These are people who come with no education, without a penny in their pocket, it’s the poor who come fleeing … Venezuela has become a magnet, a guarantee for social rights for the Colombian people. I have to say it, and I ask for your understanding … I don’t offend Colombia…

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Let’s throw the BCV a bone

Less than a week after announcing an open tender for bids on security paper meant for printing Bs.50 and Bs.100 bills, the Venezuelan Central Bank (BCV), revealed that they are conducting a study on the merits of issuing a BsF. 500 banknote. That this realization is past-due would be an understatement: the graphic designs and printing sheet for…