Caracas Chronicles

Well, what do you know? For years chavismo’s been saying that only the Bolivarian Socialism could really mobilize the resources of the Venezuelan petrostate on behalf of Social Inclusion, and it turns out they were right all along!

We’re talking here about Social Inclusion the horse, of course, not the social policy outcome. Bought by regime-connected bolibourgeois extraordinaire Ronald Sánchez and racing in the ever so socially inclusive Gulfstream Park West in Florida, Social Inclusion-the horse-has has had pretty much all the success that social inclusion-the policy goal-has bombed on.

The Sánchez family leads by example: they are all socially included in this guiso. Sánchez’s daddy was formerly heading up the Administrative offices of the Environment Ministry, before becoming president of the state-owned Bolivariana de Seguros y Reaseguros. Sánchez’s brother, Tomás, was president of the Superintendencia Nacional de Valores, a chavista equivalent of the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission.

Just like chavismo said all along, investments in Social Inclusion turn out to produce enormously outsized returns: a mere $60,000 up-front investment has yielded over $6 million in prize money. And to think the opposition doubted the sincerity of chavismo’s commitment to Social Inclusion!

 Typical escualidos. Que falta de sensibilidad social, Dios mio!!

In a plot twist arcane enough to make the whole thing look like Capybarean satire, now the Emir of Qatar wants in on the game, putting up $8million for a 75% stake in…Social Inclusion!

 I’m telling you, this story has everything: the galloping, whiplash inducing self-awareness void, the grossly vulgar conspicuous consumption, the cartoonishly self-parodic turn of fate…it basically reads like a screenplay whipped up in one coke-fueled overnight binge by a hack opposition propagandist. But it isn’t! It’s all true!