Caracas Chronicles

“Has your mother ever made anything as good as the McDonald’s fry?” asks stand up comedian Jim Gaffigan. “Not even close,” he answers himself. He’s right, damnit. There’s nothing like those salty, golden locks of an angel.

Jim likes McDonald’s.

I like Jim because he likes McDonald’s and he’s honest about it.

And so is Carlos Camacho, a Caracas-based journalist, who decided to take his girlfriend to MickeyD’s to celebrate the triumphant return of their famed fries after a 10 month absence from the menu.

Two months ago I had my own heart break when I failed to find some “papitas” for my Kid’s Happy Meal in Caracas. But after an “intriguing” marketing campaign —which suspiciously offered a “new flavor” — the good people of Arcos Dorados made a big effort to bring back the coveted product. And this time, it’s 100% Venezuelan made.  

Carlos walked in expecting just the normal fries we all grew up with “you know, about the size of your index finger, crunchy on the outside and buttery in the inside.”

What he got was…

(These were spawned in Frank-N-Furter’s lab. Pics by @CarlosElPana)

The Horror.

“McDonald’s fries come from Idaho Spuds,” says Carlos, clearly a connoisseur. “These Venezuelan fries obviously don’t have enough starch. Plus, they were poorly selected, they had black spots all over, and were too thinly sliced. Not like chips, though. More like crumbs, la burusa. I’ve had McDonald’s fries all over the world, those certainly were the worst.”

When I asked him about the taste, the response did not come with as much detail. He just said one word: oily.

I guess these are like your mother’s french fries, if your mother was a lazy cook and she really, really hated you.

Carlos paid  Bs. 2840 for both meals -just under a third of the monthly minimum wage. If he’d gone with the yucca sticks instead of the “classic” fries, lunch would’ve been Bs. 2340. That’s a hell of a premium to pay for a product that would make Ronald McDonald cry. I’m sure there must be some macroeconomic analogy buried somewhere in here, but somehow I feel it isn’t really worth the effort to dig it up.