We were thrilled to hear you’re currently considering Venezuela as a place of refuge. But we were distressed to hear other reports suggesting you might go to Quito instead, where the weather is horrid and you can’t even get proper sushi. We’d like to make the case for our homeland as the clearly superior destination for irony-immune freedom of information martyr types.
See, in Venezuela we know better than to let honored guests wither away in broom closets for years on end. As our previous guests can attest to, no other country provides the safety, comfort, and luxury our country provides for el imperio’s most wanted. One of our previous VIP guests, Colombian guerrilla leader Rodrigo Granda, was tantalized by our tropical fruit, the relaxed attitudes of our people, and the charming weather of our coastal mountains. Granted, there was that unpleasant little mishap with Mr. Granda’s security detail, which allowed the Colombian military to snatch him and smuggle him across the border to his home country, but rest assured, those issues have been dealt with.
You are in the hands of a confident State security apparatus, one that controls every aspect of public safety. It’s no wonder that Venezuela has been named one of the safest countries in the planet – not a single leaf moves in Venezuela without President Nicolás Maduro knowing about it.
Another of our previous guests was Peruvian master spy Vladimiro Montesinos. Mr. Montesinos managed to live a quiet life of luxury in our country for a period of time – he even had some work done! Our surgeons, you see, are second to none. Rest assured that the scandal that ensued when he was caught and quickly extradited he suffered are well behind us. As you know, we are anti-imperialists to the core … so don’t pay attention to those gushing pictures of our Foreign Minister with John Kerry, they don’t mean anything. When we keep an American, we keep him for good. Just ask Tim Tracy!
There are a number of jobs you can devote yourself to while you’re enjoying our tropical workers’ nirvana and waiting for the long hand of US justice to inevitably snatch you eventually.
As you know, our Internet is the fastest in the world. Our state-owned, rojo-rojito single-access-point to the internet is steel-armored against government data snooping. Our late Comandante Supremo made sure of that by driving anyone even vaguely technically proficient enough to run a PRISM-like operation to flee the country years ago for better paying gigs in Silicon Valley. CANTV needs you.
We also have a popular TV show that has set world standards for privacy protections and conveniently happens to be looking for a new host. Speak Spanish much? If not, no importa, we’ll figure something out.
If all else fails, you can always go into the profitable business of selling greenbacks in the black market. Given how you are probably flying from Hong Kong to Moscow to Caracas, we think you have muchos greenbacks at your disposal. Pro-tip: your new handlers are going to try to get you to hand over your dollars to them for 6.40 bolivars. (Bolivars are what we call the goofy sideways-printed “money” here.) Don’t fall for it, unless you want them to peg you for a chump from day one. Ask for 35 bolivars for a buck and settle for Bs.31 – you need these people to respect you!
Oh, and if this is a line of work that interests you and you want to know the people in charge of the black market, just head out to Capitolio Metro station and ask for “godgiven.”
As you can see, Venezuela is an ideal place for you to spend the rest of your days (possibly months) in freedom. We do hope you’ll honor us with your presence. It’d be hilarious.
You did remember bring your own toilet paper, right?
Update: Darn, seems like the toilet paper thing was a deal breaker.