El País que No Cambió – Miss Venezuela LiveBlog

After a harrowing ordeal that demeaned all involved, this girl was crowned Miss Venezuela. May God have mercy on her eternal soul.

Just for old times sake, I’m watching Miss Venezuela tonight. (It’s streaming live online – just click here!)

It’s so weird that this still goes on. It’s like a time-warp straight out of the tacky, unreconstructed 80s still surviving somehow in the middle of the revolution. Fuck it, I’m going to live-blog it…

11:45 – Miss Venezuela 2012, María Gabriela Isler, those of us who’ve been soiled by the crass, demeaning spectacle of your coronation salute you! Heartfelt kudos to your plastic surgeon!

11: 44 – Idiotically, I’m still excited to find out who wins…

11:43 – Miss Tierra, really?!?

11:43 – Miss Rata Podrida comes in fifth place!

11:42 – Winner gets…an insurance policy! #ProductTieInFail

11:41 – Miss Venezuela Drinking Game – Chug each time you hear “Organización Miss Venezuela”

11:37 – Verga! Miss Venezuela en el Barrio! #ThroughTheLookingGlassHere

11:32 – Oh goodie, another commercial break. Maybe they can hit 20 minutes this time.

11:31 – I’ve broken through the cynicism threshold and now I’m just angry. Angry that nearly 14 years of self-styled Marxist revolution haven’t managed to rid us of this absurd, demeaning meat market. If there was one thing, one thing, you might have expected a self-respecting revolution to do…

11:27 – OK, maybe I’m out of touch – but this can’t be normal. That’s a quarter of an hour of commercials straight! Coño pana, really!?

11:23 – Minute 12 of a commercial break. TWELVE! Y el Indepabis? Bien gracias…

11:18 – We’re not on the seventh minute of this commercial break…which, if you ask me, is especulación in its own way. (i.e., They’re speculating that T.V. audiences won’t click away no matter how insanely long the commercial break is.)

11:10 – Riverdance on the Arauca. #Now I’ve Seen it All.

11:08 – Doña Bárbara? Really?! Weirdly escuálido turn…

11:01 – Commercial Break. I need to have a bit of a cry.

10:59 – This whole bizarre contrivance about how Miss Peninsula Goajira is supposed to be Wayuu simply baffles me. #NotBuyingIt

10:57 – Losing…will…to live…

10:55 – Miss Táchira was very obviously brought up in Prados del Este.

10:53 – I like Miss Bolívar, she’s having fun.

10:45 – Which is faker? Which more idiotically contrived? Miss Venezuela or the Republican National Convention? #BizarreCongruence…

10:43 – “Ratapodrida Romney”…off she goes…

10:41 – Miss Yaracuy is awful smiley as Gov. Romney pledges to restore every mother and father’s confidence that their children’s future is brighter than ever in the past…

10:36 – Maybe I should watch the RNC and listen to Miss Venezuela instead?

10:34 – I’m now listening to Mitt Romney’s audio over video of Miss Venezuela. #FearForMySanity

10:07 – I can’t take any more of this, I’m switching to the RNC.

9:56 – Somehow, Olga Tañón is actually raising the tone here.

9:55 – Commercials so far: Sandwich Bread, Jeans, CocaCola, Shoes, Shoes, Perfune, Bolivarian Socialism, Shoes, Telenovela, Jeans.

9:50 – Stefania Fernández is trying to hawk me the Bimbo’s Diet. #BeyondSatire

9:47 – Apparently Austrian Crystals are just the In Thing this year.

9:46 – Second Token Black Girl Miss Sucre’s skin described as “cinammon tone” – #JustWhenYouThoughtItCouldn’tGetAnyMoreRaciallyRetrograde.

9:44 – Memo to Miss Peninsula Goajira. You. Are. Not. WAYUU!

9:43 – Memo to Miss Nueva Esparta. There is never an acceptable excuse for lentejuelas in 2012. Really, there isn’t.

9:42 – And we’re back. #HathosOverdose

9:40 – It’s painful to say it, but the only non-insanely-disconnected-from-normal-Venezuelan-life bits of tonight’s TV watching is the government propaganda. #QueBolas

9:38 – Now we know how Eladio Lares has survived those doses of Botox – Ginseng!

9:35 – Thank God for another commercial break, I couldn’t take much more of that. Vowing to bring back RCTV is not enough, Henrique Capriles must vow to take Venevision off the air, too…

9:33 – My wife is just staring at this in gaping mouth amazement. Can it really be 2012!?

9:33 – Miss Cojedes is the designated token black girl for the night. Gah!

9:32 – OK, Miss Carabobo just straight out raided the 1986 wardrobe room for that one – this is insane!

9:31 – Miss Barinas Maria Teresa Solano comes out in a Tigresa de Oriente Outfit. #WeirderAndWeirder

9:29 – Miss Aragua nailes the RedTube.com aesthetic.

9:27 – Miss Amazonas wears a dress stitched together entirely from tinfoil hats…classy!

9:25 – Would it kill Venevisión to cast one brown person in a telenovela?

9:18 – Mein gott!! They put a plastic surgeon ON THE ACTUAL JURY!

9:13 – Amazing how there are still no brown (much less black) people on Venezuelan TV. Except in government ads. #PorEsoEstamosComoEstamos

69 thoughts on “El País que No Cambió – Miss Venezuela LiveBlog

  1. Quico! What on earth are you doing?? Ni siquiera YO veo este programa ahora! Remember: there’s not going to be a Miss Chocozuela show next monday… so, it ain’t worth it!
    WOW, you made me comment…

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  2. Oh dear. You really, really want Kanako to divorce your ass, don’t you? What next … taking her to a six-year old’s piñata in the Country Club?

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  3. I don’t mind that there *is* a Miss Venezuela, just as I don’t mind there *is* such a thing as Jersey Shore or the Kardashians. Much like with them, what I mind is that they are such a big f-ing deal.

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        • Romney’s speech is excellent, though: Capriles should be taking notes. He’s doing an impressive “we’re just so darn sad and disappointed Obama sucks at his job” shtick…

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          • The whole RNC tried too hard on exploting the “You didn’t build that”. Ryan’s speech was so full of holes that even Fox News called him out. The base love it anyway.

            Basically, Andrew Sullivan describes my feelings on this better than me.

            Let’s see what Barack does in Charlotte next week. This race will be close to the end.

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              • You know I hate the contemporary GOP with proper unreconstructed liberal vitriol. But speaking about his family Romney was actually moving – which is a weird thing to find myself writing. And for a second there as he tried to describe how people have been hurt by the recession, he actually pulled off the impossible: he made you feel that he actually understood what it’s like to run out of salary before you run out of days in the month.

                It’s obviously all scripted. My thinking self doesn’t believe any of it. My feeling self totally went for it, though. For a guy who’s supposed to be useless at connecting emotionally, I think he did extremely well…

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  4. Quico: You missed the moment in the RNC when Clint Eastwood talked to an empty chair. Pretty weird, but still more fun that the Miss Venezuela.

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      • Clint Eastwood’s coming close to ‘mascando agua’ territory. But he can still deliver some zinger lines, in the nicest way. Very creative skit with the chair.

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        • I dont want to be cruel, but he seemed a little senile during the speech to me. I found hilarious the parody of his Chrysler ads that SNL and 30 Rock did.

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        • This is the whole paragraph, only a fleeting mention,
          “I know too that it has not always been easy — though it has been rewarding — to speak up for those who would otherwise be without a voice — the religious dissident in China; the democracy advocate in Venezuela; the political prisoner in Iran.”
          Probably she still has a chip in her shoulder over the mujercita Chavez comment (deservedly so)

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          • Makled?
            Aponte²?
            Antonini? (Hey, he was technically advocating for someone else’s democracy!)

            Ok, I give. I get the metaphorical gist of what she was going with, in a democratic country with rampant repression of democracy in every way but the actual vote. I still really like Condi…given the dog’s lunch she often had to deal throughout with the majority of her stay at Foggy Bottom. Ironically, I’ve come to feel the same way about the who wears the pants in that family.

            I find it fascinating that El Norte’s best statesmen in the past decade have been at State, but haven’t been men.

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            • My apologies.

              I meant, “Ironically, I’ve come to feel the same way about the CLINTON who wears the pants in that family.”

              Damn right-leaning computer censored that for me.

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  5. C’mon you can live-blog a whole cadena and not the Miss Vzla!
    Learn to enjoy it, in my book ‘hay cosas tan malas, que son buenas’ (that does not count for chavismo)

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  6. “I’m now listening to Mitt Romney’s audio over video of Miss Venezuela. #FearForMySanity”

    Quico, are you nuts? Your head will explode after 15 minutes Scanners-style.

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  7. Now, the best part, when “el hombre se complementa con el hombre y la mujer se complementa con la mujer”! :)

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  8. It’s just a reflection of the general “What, ME worry??” culture. But, I much prefer the Venezuelan women generally to the chubby McDonald’s denizens of most developed Western nations….

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  9. Which is faker? IMHO, the RNC. My God, that was bad…

    The Miss Venezuela is just an super mega over-the-top metaphor of our shallowness.

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  10. Saw the Miss venezuela briefly just in time for Miss Peninsula Guajira’s response. #OhGodWhy

    She’ll embrace her wayuuness to the point that she will join some bachaqueros this weekend.

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  11. Miss Vzla. Is the TV show with the highest audience in the county. Now compare the quality of the Ads vs Super Bowl and it’s easier to understand ‘porque estamos como estamos’
    #yabastadecomercialesdezapatos

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  12. Thank you for reporting on this. As with the bullfights, many of us are curious but cant bring ourselves to watch.

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  13. I nearly pissed myself laughing. Thanks for watching it for me, I just dont have the guts! Tough I saw the plastic surgeon part and it nauseated me.

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  14. Gracias Quico por esta crónica “minuto a minuto” del emblemático y venezolanísimo Miss Venezuela. Cosas como esta (Miss Venezuela, la alta penetración del Black Berry en todos los sectores sociales, la banalidad generalizada que nos define), son el verdadero obstáculo para que el fundamentalismo chavista no termine de implantarse. En el pais de la gozadera, el socialismo bolivariano, el del siglo XXI y el chavismo como “doctrina”, con su supuesta dosis de sacrificio y “ascetismo”, son un chiste del que se ríen los mismos seguidores de Chávez. La vanidad nos hará libres…: )

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  15. Arrrghhh!! Just watched a few seconds of the post-event interview with Miss Venezuela and Miss International. The way they both blabbered out their almost-identical answers, in the exact same tone, exact same “neutral-smile” expresion, and both of them with their heads turned toward a direction equidistant from camera and interviewer, it was just too much for me.

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