Caracas Chronicles

Just for old times sake, I’m watching Miss Venezuela tonight. (It’s streaming live online – just click here!)

It’s so weird that this still goes on. It’s like a time-warp straight out of the tacky, unreconstructed 80s still surviving somehow in the middle of the revolution. Fuck it, I’m going to live-blog it…

11:45 – Miss Venezuela 2012, María Gabriela Isler, those of us who’ve been soiled by the crass, demeaning spectacle of your coronation salute you! Heartfelt kudos to your plastic surgeon!

11: 44 – Idiotically, I’m still excited to find out who wins…

11:43 – Miss Tierra, really?!?

11:43 – Miss Rata Podrida comes in fifth place!

11:42 – Winner gets…an insurance policy! #ProductTieInFail

11:41 – Miss Venezuela Drinking Game – Chug each time you hear “Organización Miss Venezuela”

11:37 – Verga! Miss Venezuela en el Barrio! #ThroughTheLookingGlassHere

11:32 – Oh goodie, another commercial break. Maybe they can hit 20 minutes this time.

11:31 – I’ve broken through the cynicism threshold and now I’m just angry. Angry that nearly 14 years of self-styled Marxist revolution haven’t managed to rid us of this absurd, demeaning meat market. If there was one thing, one thing, you might have expected a self-respecting revolution to do…

11:27 – OK, maybe I’m out of touch – but this can’t be normal. That’s a quarter of an hour of commercials straight! Coño pana, really!?

11:23 – Minute 12 of a commercial break. TWELVE! Y el Indepabis? Bien gracias…

11:18 – We’re not on the seventh minute of this commercial break…which, if you ask me, is especulación in its own way. (i.e., They’re speculating that T.V. audiences won’t click away no matter how insanely long the commercial break is.)

11:10 – Riverdance on the Arauca. #Now I’ve Seen it All.

11:08 – Doña Bárbara? Really?! Weirdly escuálido turn…

11:01 – Commercial Break. I need to have a bit of a cry.

10:59 – This whole bizarre contrivance about how Miss Peninsula Goajira is supposed to be Wayuu simply baffles me. #NotBuyingIt

10:57 – Losing…will…to live…

10:55 – Miss Táchira was very obviously brought up in Prados del Este.

10:53 – I like Miss Bolívar, she’s having fun.

10:45 – Which is faker? Which more idiotically contrived? Miss Venezuela or the Republican National Convention? #BizarreCongruence…

10:43 – “Ratapodrida Romney”…off she goes…

10:41 – Miss Yaracuy is awful smiley as Gov. Romney pledges to restore every mother and father’s confidence that their children’s future is brighter than ever in the past…

10:36 – Maybe I should watch the RNC and listen to Miss Venezuela instead?

10:34 – I’m now listening to Mitt Romney’s audio over video of Miss Venezuela. #FearForMySanity

10:07 – I can’t take any more of this, I’m switching to the RNC.

9:56 – Somehow, Olga Tañón is actually raising the tone here.

9:55 – Commercials so far: Sandwich Bread, Jeans, CocaCola, Shoes, Shoes, Perfune, Bolivarian Socialism, Shoes, Telenovela, Jeans.

9:50 – Stefania Fernández is trying to hawk me the Bimbo’s Diet. #BeyondSatire

9:47 – Apparently Austrian Crystals are just the In Thing this year.

9:46 – Second Token Black Girl Miss Sucre’s skin described as “cinammon tone” – #JustWhenYouThoughtItCouldn’tGetAnyMoreRaciallyRetrograde.

9:44 – Memo to Miss Peninsula Goajira. You. Are. Not. WAYUU!

9:43 – Memo to Miss Nueva Esparta. There is never an acceptable excuse for lentejuelas in 2012. Really, there isn’t.

9:42 – And we’re back. #HathosOverdose

9:40 – It’s painful to say it, but the only non-insanely-disconnected-from-normal-Venezuelan-life bits of tonight’s TV watching is the government propaganda. #QueBolas

9:38 – Now we know how Eladio Lares has survived those doses of Botox – Ginseng!

9:35 – Thank God for another commercial break, I couldn’t take much more of that. Vowing to bring back RCTV is not enough, Henrique Capriles must vow to take Venevision off the air, too…

9:33 – My wife is just staring at this in gaping mouth amazement. Can it really be 2012!?

9:33 – Miss Cojedes is the designated token black girl for the night. Gah!

9:32 – OK, Miss Carabobo just straight out raided the 1986 wardrobe room for that one – this is insane!

9:31 – Miss Barinas Maria Teresa Solano comes out in a Tigresa de Oriente Outfit. #WeirderAndWeirder

9:29 – Miss Aragua nailes the RedTube.com aesthetic.

9:27 – Miss Amazonas wears a dress stitched together entirely from tinfoil hats…classy!

9:25 – Would it kill Venevisión to cast one brown person in a telenovela?

9:18 – Mein gott!! They put a plastic surgeon ON THE ACTUAL JURY!

9:13 – Amazing how there are still no brown (much less black) people on Venezuelan TV. Except in government ads. #PorEsoEstamosComoEstamos